My 12 Steps: Step 6
by Megan Peters on September 20, 2015 in 12-Step Recovery, My 12 Steps
MY 12 STEPS: STEP 6
“We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
When I entered my 12-step program it was with a more of a thud than a bang. There was no “hard” bottom that forced me into meetings or recovery. In fact, I had already been dry for a few weeks when I set foot in my first recovery meeting. I wasn’t driven there necessarily by the desire to put down the drink, but I was moved by the idea that the drink could stay down on the table instead of in my body and that I could possibly be happy.
I found in meetings people who were sober and loving life. It wasn’t all rainbows and kittens, of course, but I was amazed to find people laughing, joking and genuinely smiling! I assumed all recovery meetings were doom and gloom, but I found the men and ladies in the rooms were a jovial bunch. I looked around at these happy people, and I wanted what they had.
There was a fairly large roadblock, however, and it stared me down from the front of the room every time I walked in. The big man: GOD. Now don’t get me wrong. I am a spiritual person. But I am not religious, and after years of Catholic school, priests, confessions and religious dysfunction, I had no desire to sit in a room anywhere and pray. I certainly didn’t want to ask God for anything. In my experience, God was not forgiving; he was more of the fire-and-brimstone type of guy.
What Came Over Me
One thing I’m so very grateful for was my moment of Zen (or was it a spiritual awakening?) during early sobriety in which I realized I really, really didn’t care what I had to do to get happy. I have no idea what came over me (some say it was God, but I haven’t got a clue), since I was a stubborn, self-righteous sort of girl. But from the moment I heard someone say “take what you need and leave the rest,” I knew I could make a 12-step program work for me, regardless of my beliefs. I didn’t have to do recovery “right” or “perfectly,” I could just do it to the best of my ability.
I was fortunate enough to meet a kind woman in my first few meetings. She reached out to me when I was a timid newcomer. While I am sure hard-nosed sponsors work for some people, I know that if I had been confronted with a 12-step zealot type, I would have run from those rooms and never returned. However, I truly believe the universe puts people in your path when you’re supposed to find them, and that was certainly the case with me and the woman who would become my sponsor. She was a Sunday school teacher and a Scout leader who ended up in detox and found a new, beautiful life in recovery. I wanted what she had.
Getting to Step 6
I worked all the steps with my sponsor and by the time we got to step 6, I was cooked. Listing out all my defects and resentments in step 4 had been mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Admitting all of these aloud to my sponsor during step 5 had initially terrified me. But it was actually cathartic, telling someone the whole truth for what may have been the first time in my entire life. I never considered myself a liar per se but I was not a person who told the truth. Everything that came out of my mouth was twisted and turned until my tales barely resembled real life. Sharing my deepest shames and fears with someone who responded with no judgment, only love and support, was a beautiful experience. I’m so glad I took my time and found a sponsor who was safe for me, someone who could be a haven for all those stories and secrets.
Once step 5 was completed, I was ready for a month-long nap. But there was step 6, staring me in the face. I was encouraged by my sponsor to keep moving through the next few steps, as she was a bit worried I might drink after the emotional upheaval of my fifth step. I knew so many people who drank after step 5 and this gave me a bit of healthy fear to keep moving forward. Step 6, though, was another “God” step and those were always a bit tricky for me.
You see, even after all these years, I still don’t know if I believe in God. There are days when I want to — days when I think I might as well believe, but my doubts are still there. And that’s okay. I can be agnostic and still be in recovery. There’s no extra credit for being a perfect believer! However, during my sixth step, I struggled. How can I be ready to have God remove my defects if I’m not even sure there is a God?
Going Deep, Soldiering On
This was another pivotal moment in my recovery. I could have very easily thrown in the towel and decided it wasn’t for me. But as I mentioned earlier, I am a bit stubborn and I really wanted to keep moving through the steps. Though I was wary of the process at first, I found I was feeling so much better. I was working through issues that had plagued me through my entire life, along with problems I hadn’t even been able to identify until I started recovery. And best of all, I didn’t want to drink! The more I worked on the root causes of my behaviors, the better I felt. I was doing something proactive for once, investing in self-care and putting myself first. I didn’t want all that to go to waste. So I soldiered on, unsure, but knowing it would be okay.
I shared these fears and my apprehension with my sponsor and instead of telling me what to do, she helped me figure out how to make the program work in my life. For step 6, this meant small forward movement. Remember, all we must do in step 6 is become ready to have the defects removed. And I was more than ready! My sponsor asked me how my defects had caused problems in my life and we talked a lot about what it meant to be “entirely ready.” In the end, my biggest hang-up was having my defects removed by “God.” And that’s when I realized, all I really had to understand was that I couldn’t remove the defects on my own. I am not the boss of the universe and I am not the All-Powerful Wizard of Oz. I am just me…a flawed, messed-up, sort of crazy alcoholic that really has no idea what she is doing. Of course I need help. Of course!
My sponsor asked, “Do you realize that you cannot remove these defects by self-will alone?” And that was it. My answer was a resounding yes. I was not perfect. But I was ready.
Megan Peters
Megan Peters is a mother, writer, photographer, designer and blogger, based in Kansas City. In 2015, Megan founded Crazy Bananas Creative Studio, an all-inclusive creative company focused on blogging, copy writing, design and social media marketing. She is also a respected photographer who specializes in images of families, children and babies. Megan began blogging in 2004, and her website, www.crazybananas.com, has been online ever since! Her writing has been featured on Pixelkin.org,