My 12 Steps: Step 2
by Julie Elsdon-Height on August 19, 2015 in 12-Step Recovery
MY 12 STEPS: STEP 2
“We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
Anyone who walks into a 12-step program will hear the words of step 2 read out by a member, along with the other 11. We approach each as though we’re on a ladder, not attempting a step until we’ve finished the previous one.
I came through the doors of AA feeling as though I’d already achieved steps 1, 2 and 3. For years I’d felt deeply unworthy of God. That feeling held me back until the day I crossed that church basement threshold into the room that would become my umbilical cord in early recovery.
I made it to the meeting in shambles, like many of us in recovery. The fears and self-hatred had paralyzed me to the point where I knew that I was going to die if I didn’t reach out. I quickly learned via life’s normal challenges that I hadn’t completed step 2.
As the words of step 2 were read out at the first meeting, I began to squirm in my hard plastic chair. I now know that my ego was rebelling at the words “restore us to sanity.” I wasn’t crazy! My life wasn’t out of control…not really…not in every respect. I certainly wasn’t certifiable.
Losing My Sanity
After that meeting I stood in the cold winter night with a friend from the rooms and vomited my discomfort with step 2. She allowed me to finish and gently did what I really didn’t want her to: She asked me questions that made clear how insane my life had become. Apparently not only am I extremely egotistical, I’m also not very bright at times.
The fact was, I had to get over myself; I had to face the fact that my actions weren’t those of a well-balanced, sane person.
Losing one’s sanity was, to me, a weakness (as if being an alcoholic wasn’t). Somehow, though, the two weren’t comparable in my mind at the time. It was a personal failure to lose my sanity. It meant I had a broken mind, unable to function. I was somewhat correct; the definition of sanity is found in the AA “Twelve and Twelve,” on page 33, as “soundness of mind.”
But I was desperate. So I pushed aside my revulsion and implemented the tools I’d been taught. I opened my mind and asked myself if I could claim “soundness of mind” throughout all the years of my drinking. Son of a… well, we all know what answer I arrived at.
This was not an intellectual discussion. I couldn’t win, couldn’t bend the data to my advantage, as was my usual way. Thankfully, I was deeply defeated and without the energy to fight myself on this one. I say “thankfully” because although I didn’t want to accept that I was not of sane mind, I didn’t have the energy to resist the acceptance. And that was actually a blessed release.
Finding the Healing
There is nothing pretty about waking up having no idea where you are, how you got there or where the bruises on your body came from. Certainly no person of sound mind would choose to put herself in situations such as this more than once, as I had. I couldn’t ignore this anymore, nor avoid the reality I’d created.
My mind clicked away. Okay, so at this point I had accepted that I wasn’t of sound mind and I believed in God. I believed that He alone could forgive me, that He can heal me and give me new life.
But why would He?
Why would this all-powerful God who created Heaven and Earth want to redeem me? My actions and choices had been less than stellar and there were far more worthy people and far more serious situations for God to attend to. Why would God forgive my failures?
The answer is simple: Because I asked him to. It’s really that simple. God is and always was there for me. With each meeting I attended, I repeatedly saw evidence of God working in the lives of my peers. I saw them change and slowly, by paying attention, I was learning. I was beginning to reach out to God each day, to turn my life over to Him and to believe that he would restore me.
Little by little, my perspective began to change. The way I saw the world and how I interacted became about others rather than myself. This happened slowly, but each and every time it did it was like God was winking at me when I realized the change in the moment.
Every day I wake up and turn to God and ask for strength, direction and information. God consistently provides me with the people and tools to lift me when I am weak. I know that He is guiding me on this journey of life.
God guided me to my 12-step program, the people there and each day He gives me the armor I need to face this life on Earth with a joyous heart and a humbled soul.
Each day, I remember that I am an alcoholic and that God can restore me to sound mind if I turn to Him. I do this daily because I am apt to return to my past behaviors if I rely solely upon myself. This is the spiritual cornerstone of my life in recovery, the one which my foundation is firmly set upon.
Julie Elsdon-Height
After facing her alcoholism and being involved in a car accident, Julie began writing at SoberJulie.com, where you’ll find that this funky blogger takes the tired, unappetizing reputation about sobriety and turns it into a day at the circus. Her blog is jam-packed with ideas for food & drink recipes, travel tips and reviews, real stories of recovery, tips for sobriety, reflections on life and tons of ideas for leading a better (more creative, more enjoyable) life.